A few months ago I came across the amazing Abbie Pope who is transgender and keeps a fantastic blog (www.threadsofgender.com). The blog is excellent as it is refreshingly honest and very frank. To me it is as if Abbie is taking the reader on a journey through her transgender evolution. I couldn't resist seeing if Abbie would give me an interview. Luckily for me she agreed. Below is my interview with Abbie:
Can you briefly describe your background?
a. I’m mostly from California, but I’ve lived all
over the United States. I had a pretty typical upbringing except that my
parents are pretty well educated. I’ve been working in IT for about 5 years now
as a computer engineer. I love my job, and they are super supportive of me and
my transition. It was a major factor in contributing to the success of the
venture.
At what age did you feel that you were different
to other boys? Did you do typical boy
things as a child?
a. I always knew that I was “different” but I
couldn’t put words to it. I felt that I was definitely more feminine, but I did
a really good job of repressing my feelings deep down, so that I really had no
idea they were there. It took a lot of “psychological archaeology” to dig them
up and figure out who I am. I was very involved in the arts: music and theatre
mainly. I did however play sports, but I usually ended up hating it because
most of the other boys knew I was different and harassed me. I always wanted to
be included as one of the boys, but there was always friction there. I just
didn’t have the authenticity of a male, and other boys knew it instinctively.
Also, women knew it too. Being transgender and young is like being in limbo
between the genders. It can be very alienating.
As a teenager, how did you cope with the fact
that you were ‘female’ on the inside?
a. I started to express my femininity in many ways
in my teenage years. Eventually, I came out as gay when I was about 19. My
family was fairly supportive, and they have been since then, but it has been
confusing and hard for them. One of the things that starts to work against you
when you are transgender is the “boy who cried wolf” syndrome. You go through
so many phases trying to figure out who you are that people start to lose trust
in you. I also had some very strong anxiety and deep depression pretty much
from when I was 16 until 30.
How did you meet your wife? What made you marry
her?
a. I don’t like to delve too much into my romantic
personal life, but I’m bisexual, and I was attracted to my wife. I always had a
deep connection with her, but I think it was fated to fail because I was
ultimately trying to be the typical American male. It was my last stand for
normalcy. But it didn’t last.
Did you ever undertake any crossdressing
experiences? If so, what was your first one?
a. Not really. This is something that is a little
out of place with the typical idea of a transgender person, but really that is just
a stereotype. There are genetic women that don’t care a lick for fashion. I
didn’t have a lot of access to women’s clothes because I only had brothers. I’m
not really sure why I didn’t feel the urge to cross dress. I guess it’s all
pretty mental for me, if that makes any sense. Of course late in my twenties I
started cross dressing here and there and it was downhill (or uphill) from
there until my transition.
What point in your life, or act, made you reveal
to your wife and family that you wanted to be a female? How did they react?
a. Like I said, I respect my ex-wife, and she would
be uncomfortable if she read things about her without her permission, so I have
to remain a little coy on this. I can say that things were starting to get
rocky as I experimented with cross dressing and makeup, and they were rocky for
other reasons too. So this tension ultimately led to me divulging that I was
“very feminine” on the inside. I don’t know if it was fair to sugar coat it
like that and not say “transgender” at first (I eventually did say
transgender), but I was also very confused as these beautiful inner emotional
colors started pouring out. It was really terrible timing, because she was
pregnant with our second child, but I tend to describe it as an act of God or natural
disaster, like a hurricane; it just happens.
It must have been hard on your children, how did
you explain to them about your circumstances? How did they take it?
a. They’re really too little to understand, and I
don’t have visitation right now. I’m being kept from my kids by my ex.
How did your friends and workmates react when
you first told them about your transgender issue?
a. Well first, I’ll say that my employer, Intuit,
has been ridiculously supportive of me. They held my hand through the whole
process, and got a therapist to speak to my teammates about my transition. I’ve
only heard a few wrong pronouns from my co-workers. It has been a pleasure so
far, and it’s so stupid that all companies don’t see the benefit in this type
of inclusion.
b. My friends have been super supportive, but of
course there have been differences of opinion, mainly because of religion. I
used to think there are three types of people: people who are hands down
accepting, people who are on the fence and being nice and trying very hard, and
people who just don’t respect you for transitioning. I now think that there are
two types of people and most of the fence sitters realize they can’t really
support you and move into the “disapprove” column.
9 How did you feel the first day you dressed as a
female and stepped outside your home?
a. Hmm. You know I had sort of a subconscious zeal
about me in the early days. Honestly, there are times I thought about myself,
and I thought, “I did that?” I think the biggest challenge was showing up to
work as Abbie for the first time. I was shaking, and I zoomed to my desk and
worked with blinders on. When I think back to how inexperienced I was, it must
have been “interesting” to see me transition early on. But I lived in pain and
loneliness for 30 years, so I’m kind of over being afraid. I wore out the fear
centers in my brain. It sounds a little high-minded to say something like that,
but it’s true. I don’t really think it’s that romantic to say though, because
those 30 years were interminably awful.
1 Being transgender can be a lonely
existence. How do you cope with this?
a. I think I’ve already used about 20 adjectives to
this point, but I have some more! It was really a heavy existence. You feel
weighted with the pain and expectation of a thousand sons (like the pun?). I
don’t know; you grow a thick skin. This is something I’ve noticed more and
more: transgender people are very
strong people. We’ve been through the fire. Look in the eyes of anyone that has
transitioned, and you’ll see a seriousness that you don’t see in most people.
b. Also, the loneliness doesn’t stop when you
transition. It gets a lot better, because you aren’t driving people away like
mad, but you have a whole new set of issues to deal with. It’s really
complicated. For me, I’ve had to start over from scratch and create a new life,
social and other, for myself. It’s been nice in that I’ve made a lot of choices
that I wasn’t able to express before. However, it’s also really freaking hard
to start over when you’re 31 or so. Most people who are 31 are kind of getting
locked into family and the like, so you can be somewhat out of phase with your
peers. But we do our best! Stiff upper lip! [sobs uncontrollably].
1 Why do you think transgender people are not
given the respect they deserve?
a. Religion is up there as a contestant for primary
culprit in this respect. Plus, you are an easy target. Transgender people tend
to stick out. Even when you pass, you can stick out. We’re an easy target. I
always silently revel in the irony of the toothless loser laughing at the hard
working trans woman. People feel they have license to condescend to transgender
people because the media has crafted a pretty firm stereotype of the “ugly guy
with stubble in a dress.” We’ve been a Kim Kardashian sized butt of many, many
jokes for quite a long time. And it’s not just that we’re laughed at, we’re
supposed to elicit revulsion, which is a very dangerous thing. This sentiment
taken to extremes is the kindle for most of the tragic social fires of history.
1 Your blog is truly fantastic! Is it also acting,
I assume, as a therapy for you as you continue your transgender journey?
a. A couple things…I love to write, and it keeps me
in shape. It’s a hobby per se. It also has been a tremendous cathartic tool for
me. I look back at some of my early posts and they are kind of vitriolic and
all over the place. Now, I can even imagine writing that frenetically. I’ve
gotten it out of my system. Of course sometimes I’d like a little more of that
fire, because it can attract readers, but now I’m sounding like a PR man.
1 Since being officially transgender, have you
felt more at peace, and on the path to fulfilment?
a. Yes.
b. J
c. To be more descriptive, my life feels like it’s
just starting now that I’ve transitioned. I’m finally able to build structures
for myself and not tear them down eventually. I used to be terribly
self-destructive. It’s such a calming experience to know that you aren’t your
own worst enemy.
What does the future hold for you?
a. I am going to continue my career in the tech
field, because I love it, and it is a fantastic job. I want to continue to
write and develop my talents. I really feel somewhat lucky in a lot of respects
that I was able to make it through relatively ok. I want to give some of that
back to the community. I try and do that with my website. I know that being
young and transgender can be one of the most confusing experiences. The
resources kind of suck for transgender people. Part of it is that there are
just not that many of us. I’m “working” on a book, but I have to kick my ass to
keep productive in that respect. I’m just really excited about my future now,
and I can’t even imagine what’s next. I never would have said that before
without trying to be insanely ironic.
What advice do you have for others out there who
may be transgender?
a. Don’t give up. I know you want to; the
statistics plainly say that you will consider suicide at some point. If you are
considering that, just be desperate and do the things that you know are wrong
to stay alive. Throw out the “shoulds” and “shouldn’ts” and stay alive!
b. Also, read my blog! Seriously, try and find a
therapist with experience in gender identity issues. If you are depressed, go
to a psychiatrist, not a general practitioner. You should treat your “affliction”
as life or death. Take it seriously.
c. Last, know that you will be able to transition
and pass. You can live the life you dream of. There are big cities that will
welcome you with open arms. There are companies that will employ you with big
smiles. Don’t get discouraged no matter how hard it is.
1 Finally, as a female, how many pairs of shoes do
you have? What is your favourite pair?
Thank you again, Abbie, for a giving up your time for this interview. Remember, Abbie can be contacted through her website www.threadsofgender.com.
No comments:
Post a Comment