Abbie's Story - A New Evolution

It takes a lot of courage and determination to declare that you are not what everyone thinks you are.  The weight and stress to tell your loved ones and friends that you are different to what they think of you must be massive.  If you are a transgender it must be doubly so.

A few months ago I came across the amazing Abbie Pope who is transgender and keeps a fantastic blog (www.threadsofgender.com). The blog is excellent as it is refreshingly honest and very frank. To me it is as if Abbie is taking the reader on a journey through her transgender evolution.  I couldn't resist seeing if Abbie would give me an interview.  Luckily for me she agreed.  Below is my interview with Abbie:

         Can you briefly describe your background?

a.     I’m mostly from California, but I’ve lived all over the United States. I had a pretty typical upbringing except that my parents are pretty well educated. I’ve been working in IT for about 5 years now as a computer engineer. I love my job, and they are super supportive of me and my transition. It was a major factor in contributing to the success of the venture.

      At what age did you feel that you were different to other boys?  Did you do typical boy things as a child?

a.     I always knew that I was “different” but I couldn’t put words to it. I felt that I was definitely more feminine, but I did a really good job of repressing my feelings deep down, so that I really had no idea they were there. It took a lot of “psychological archaeology” to dig them up and figure out who I am. I was very involved in the arts: music and theatre mainly. I did however play sports, but I usually ended up hating it because most of the other boys knew I was different and harassed me. I always wanted to be included as one of the boys, but there was always friction there. I just didn’t have the authenticity of a male, and other boys knew it instinctively. Also, women knew it too. Being transgender and young is like being in limbo between the genders. It can be very alienating.

      As a teenager, how did you cope with the fact that you were ‘female’ on the inside?

a.     I started to express my femininity in many ways in my teenage years. Eventually, I came out as gay when I was about 19. My family was fairly supportive, and they have been since then, but it has been confusing and hard for them. One of the things that starts to work against you when you are transgender is the “boy who cried wolf” syndrome. You go through so many phases trying to figure out who you are that people start to lose trust in you. I also had some very strong anxiety and deep depression pretty much from when I was 16 until 30.

      How did you meet your wife? What made you marry her?

a.    I don’t like to delve too much into my romantic personal life, but I’m bisexual, and I was attracted to my wife. I always had a deep connection with her, but I think it was fated to fail because I was ultimately trying to be the typical American male. It was my last stand for normalcy. But it didn’t last.

     Did you ever undertake any crossdressing experiences? If so, what was your first one?

a.     Not really. This is something that is a little out of place with the typical idea of a transgender person, but really that is just a stereotype. There are genetic women that don’t care a lick for fashion. I didn’t have a lot of access to women’s clothes because I only had brothers. I’m not really sure why I didn’t feel the urge to cross dress. I guess it’s all pretty mental for me, if that makes any sense. Of course late in my twenties I started cross dressing here and there and it was downhill (or uphill) from there until my transition.

      What point in your life, or act, made you reveal to your wife and family that you wanted to be a female?  How did they react?

a.    Like I said, I respect my ex-wife, and she would be uncomfortable if she read things about her without her permission, so I have to remain a little coy on this. I can say that things were starting to get rocky as I experimented with cross dressing and makeup, and they were rocky for other reasons too. So this tension ultimately led to me divulging that I was “very feminine” on the inside. I don’t know if it was fair to sugar coat it like that and not say “transgender” at first (I eventually did say transgender), but I was also very confused as these beautiful inner emotional colors started pouring out. It was really terrible timing, because she was pregnant with our second child, but I tend to describe it as an act of God or natural disaster, like a hurricane; it just happens.

      It must have been hard on your children, how did you explain to them about your circumstances? How did they take it?

a.    They’re really too little to understand, and I don’t have visitation right now. I’m being kept from my kids by my ex.

     How did your friends and workmates react when you first told them about your transgender issue?

a.     Well first, I’ll say that my employer, Intuit, has been ridiculously supportive of me. They held my hand through the whole process, and got a therapist to speak to my teammates about my transition. I’ve only heard a few wrong pronouns from my co-workers. It has been a pleasure so far, and it’s so stupid that all companies don’t see the benefit in this type of inclusion.

b.    My friends have been super supportive, but of course there have been differences of opinion, mainly because of religion. I used to think there are three types of people: people who are hands down accepting, people who are on the fence and being nice and trying very hard, and people who just don’t respect you for transitioning. I now think that there are two types of people and most of the fence sitters realize they can’t really support you and move into the “disapprove” column.

9    How did you feel the first day you dressed as a female and stepped outside your home?

a.    Hmm. You know I had sort of a subconscious zeal about me in the early days. Honestly, there are times I thought about myself, and I thought, “I did that?” I think the biggest challenge was showing up to work as Abbie for the first time. I was shaking, and I zoomed to my desk and worked with blinders on. When I think back to how inexperienced I was, it must have been “interesting” to see me transition early on. But I lived in pain and loneliness for 30 years, so I’m kind of over being afraid. I wore out the fear centers in my brain. It sounds a little high-minded to say something like that, but it’s true. I don’t really think it’s that romantic to say though, because those 30 years were interminably awful.

1   Being transgender can be a lonely existence.  How do you cope with this?

a.     I think I’ve already used about 20 adjectives to this point, but I have some more! It was really a heavy existence. You feel weighted with the pain and expectation of a thousand sons (like the pun?). I don’t know; you grow a thick skin. This is something I’ve noticed more and more: transgender people are very strong people. We’ve been through the fire. Look in the eyes of anyone that has transitioned, and you’ll see a seriousness that you don’t see in most people.

b.     Also, the loneliness doesn’t stop when you transition. It gets a lot better, because you aren’t driving people away like mad, but you have a whole new set of issues to deal with. It’s really complicated. For me, I’ve had to start over from scratch and create a new life, social and other, for myself. It’s been nice in that I’ve made a lot of choices that I wasn’t able to express before. However, it’s also really freaking hard to start over when you’re 31 or so. Most people who are 31 are kind of getting locked into family and the like, so you can be somewhat out of phase with your peers. But we do our best! Stiff upper lip! [sobs uncontrollably].

1    Why do you think transgender people are not given the respect they deserve?

a.    Religion is up there as a contestant for primary culprit in this respect. Plus, you are an easy target. Transgender people tend to stick out. Even when you pass, you can stick out. We’re an easy target. I always silently revel in the irony of the toothless loser laughing at the hard working trans woman. People feel they have license to condescend to transgender people because the media has crafted a pretty firm stereotype of the “ugly guy with stubble in a dress.” We’ve been a Kim Kardashian sized butt of many, many jokes for quite a long time. And it’s not just that we’re laughed at, we’re supposed to elicit revulsion, which is a very dangerous thing. This sentiment taken to extremes is the kindle for most of the tragic social fires of history.

1    Your blog is truly fantastic! Is it also acting, I assume, as a therapy for you as you continue your transgender journey?

a.     A couple things…I love to write, and it keeps me in shape. It’s a hobby per se. It also has been a tremendous cathartic tool for me. I look back at some of my early posts and they are kind of vitriolic and all over the place. Now, I can even imagine writing that frenetically. I’ve gotten it out of my system. Of course sometimes I’d like a little more of that fire, because it can attract readers, but now I’m sounding like a PR man.

1    Since being officially transgender, have you felt more at peace, and on the path to fulfilment?

a.    Yes.

b.    J

c.    To be more descriptive, my life feels like it’s just starting now that I’ve transitioned. I’m finally able to build structures for myself and not tear them down eventually. I used to be terribly self-destructive. It’s such a calming experience to know that you aren’t your own worst enemy.

      What does the future hold for you?

a.     I am going to continue my career in the tech field, because I love it, and it is a fantastic job. I want to continue to write and develop my talents. I really feel somewhat lucky in a lot of respects that I was able to make it through relatively ok. I want to give some of that back to the community. I try and do that with my website. I know that being young and transgender can be one of the most confusing experiences. The resources kind of suck for transgender people. Part of it is that there are just not that many of us. I’m “working” on a book, but I have to kick my ass to keep productive in that respect. I’m just really excited about my future now, and I can’t even imagine what’s next. I never would have said that before without trying to be insanely ironic.

      What advice do you have for others out there who may be transgender?

a.    Don’t give up. I know you want to; the statistics plainly say that you will consider suicide at some point. If you are considering that, just be desperate and do the things that you know are wrong to stay alive. Throw out the “shoulds” and “shouldn’ts” and stay alive!

b.    Also, read my blog! Seriously, try and find a therapist with experience in gender identity issues. If you are depressed, go to a psychiatrist, not a general practitioner. You should treat your “affliction” as life or death. Take it seriously.

c.     Last, know that you will be able to transition and pass. You can live the life you dream of. There are big cities that will welcome you with open arms. There are companies that will employ you with big smiles. Don’t get discouraged no matter how hard it is.

1     Finally, as a female, how many pairs of shoes do you have? What is your favourite pair?

I’m not a huge shoe person. Part of that is because I’m 6’1”, so I don’t have a lot of heels, and it’s hard to find shoes in my size. I compensate by buying a lot of great clothes and makeup. The possibilities for women are endless!

Thank you again, Abbie, for a giving up your time for this interview.  Remember, Abbie can be contacted through her website www.threadsofgender.com.

 

Rorry's Story

Twitter has introduced me to some amazing people.  It really is a social media platform where you can connect very easily.  Being inquisitive, I love finding out about people, their backgrounds, hopes for the future and beliefs.  


This led me to connecting with Aurora, more commonly known as "Rorry".  Rorry has a maturity well beyond her age, that was something I realised from early on .  Briefly, Rorry and her family migrated from Albania to England when she was 8 years of age.  Currently Rorry is studying Business Psychology and last year reverted (converted) to Islam.  This is her story...

Tell me something about your background?

I’m originally from Albania, I moved to England in 1999 when I was 8 and I have been there ever since.

Did you experience any difficulties growing up as you come from an ethnic background?

I guess you could say I experienced some forms of difficulty, mainly financial difficulties, in Albania I was one of 14 in our household. We all relied on my dad’s wages solely. I guess financial issues were one of the reasons for coming to England.

When did you first start taking an interest in Islam?

Well I grew up thinking I was a Muslim, but on my second year of college I found out I was far from it, because in my family we all drank and ate pork and mainly we didn’t really believe that Muhammad (SAW) was the messenger of God.  I’d say that since the age of 17 I have been struggling with whether religion is right or whether there is a God at all.  At the age of 18 I decided to be an atheist, it was a comfortable choice at the time taking my family into consideration especially.  My true interest started on the 16^th of October 2011, when I had a spiritual incident, and that’s when I thought I need to do more research because I was completely moved by the experience and it felt extremely right.

Describe how you felt when you took your shahada (testimony of faith).  Where did you take it?

I honestly couldn’t sleep the night before taking my shahada, I remember the day I took my shahada it was very sunny, such a beautiful atmosphere, a beautiful day.  After taking my shahada I felt very emotional.  I wanted to cry and laugh at the same time, it was a very emotional experience, it was the best and most wonderful decision I’ve ever made.  I took my shahada at a Mosque near my house, with two of my friends that came with me as witnesses.

What was your family’s response to you becoming a Muslim?

My brother was very supportive with my decision.  My mum and dad however were completely shocked and against my decision.  They reacted even worse when I started wearing a Hijab 2 weeks after my shahada.  My mum even said “oh no, my daughter is going to become a terrorist”, this made me laugh a lot, but it also made me realise that because of the media my mum has so many misconceptions about Islam.

How did your friends react?

Many of my friends are Muslims, so they were extremely happy that I reverted. Even my friends, who were not Muslims, showed me great support and understanding.

What does it mean to you to be a Muslim?

Being a Muslim to me means, praying 5 times a day, wearing a hijab, having good manners and good character, being respectable, kind hearted, sympathetic, helpful, well spoken. Mainly following what our Prophet (SAW) did.

How did you feel when you first put on your hijab?

I felt very protected and happy. Mainly I just felt beautiful, I was never really satisfied with my looks but when wearing the Hijab, it just makes me feel so beautiful.  No item of clothing has ever made feel as amazing as the Hijab does.

What are you studying?

I’m studying Business Psychology, just finished my second year.

What job will you be looking to do once qualified?

I really want to be a Primary School or Nursery teacher, it’s quite the opposite of what I will be qualified for, but I have found a great interest for it.

How does Islam influence you as a person, and your everyday activities?

I definitely think about the way I react to situations, Islam has made me a more forgiving person, because the old me would hold a lot of grudges.

Where do you see yourself in 10 years’ time?

Hopefully married, have a couple of children, a comfortable job and a comfortable life.

Any advice to others thinking of reverting/converting to Islam?

If you find yourself intrigued by Islam, do some research!  Go to a mosque near you and ask for more information.

What is your favourite food, television show and music?

Food would have to be chicken!  Me and my close friend spend most of our days in Nandos eating their famous peri peri chicken.  Tv show would have to be “2 broke girls” it’s a great show. Music has to be indie pop by an artist called Lana del Rey, her songs are mesmerising. 

Interview - Sabiha Mahmoud

To start off my new blog I wanted to interview someone who does not follow the norm, has interesting ideals and is most likely a bit crazy!  Hence there was only one choice for the initial interview.  It had to be Sabiha Mahmoud!  Sabiha is a wife, mother, business owner, activist and runs a charity.  She doesn't believe in resting on her laurels that's for sure.  Having got to know Sabiha quite well over the last few months I can assure she is an amazing person.  So please read on and enjoy the interview:

Tell me about your background?

I am British born and bred, Pakistani origin from my mother but neither of which I particularly associated with whilst growing up as cultural background was more of a hindrance. Nationalities have become so divisive that it governs us to the extent of harbouring resentment, hate, arrogance and too much pride amongst each other. This is what I experienced whilst growing up, the background card was always played. 'Think of your own Sabiha', 'do not marry outside of this background', 'continuing the background line is vital we depend on you' and guess what I did exactly the opposite. This rebellion meant I could be free from poverty of thought and see all human's as one being. 

You are a wife, mother, business woman and run a charity amongst many other things.  How do you manage this?

The two most important factors to me achieving this is organisation and family support. I schedule, make lists, have an entire wall of ideas that is littered with sticky notes and make sure I try my utmost hardest to achieve every single goal on there. My moleskin diary is a God send, I carry it with me from the moment I wake up to the moment I sleep -downloading any brain waves I have onto paper which is how many of my ideas for events, fundraisers, designs have formed. My charity work involves bringing children wounded from war's waged in our name across the globe to the UK (this seems to be my way of helping relieve suffering that our governments have caused). The children after having brought here on a medical visa are given the best treatment we can possibly fund, from plastic surgery reconstructing the face to limb replacement all funded by monies collected via generous public and regular donators. I try my utmost best to involve my son, of 2 years old, in all walks of my life so that he can see the realities of life and also I get to spend more time with him. Though it is not easy at times and this is where my family have been a pillar of support for me, I cannot thank them enough for the countless hours my mother has looked after my son. Oh and I do not own a TV, neither would I ever buy one it removes all temptation of wallowing on the couch and removes one from their responsibilities, not very effective if you want to manage a lifestyle like mine whilst keeping things in perspective. Having said that I only just manage about 4 hours of sleep per day due to the heavy workload. My mind is always repeating 'there is so much to do but such little time in which to do so'.

Given your busy lifestyle, what do you do to relax?

I have to be brutally honest, a relaxing day is an oxymoron. I do not have any such time to do so, my life as I have described is full of activity. But I am glad I signed up for it. Holiday's even are often devoid of functionality so I often tend to find some political conference to attend or be in the presence of like-minded people to speak to rather than waste my time frivolously. Can you imagine that with such a hustle, bustle life of mine I would be such a poor relaxer and would probably be overcome with guilt too. If and on some occasions I find that I have some free time, I cannot help but embrace the opportunity to plan ahead.

Describe a typical day in the life of Sabiha?

There is nothing typical about my day, every day is different and I relish this variety. One day I will working from home, designing graphics or a website for a customer in the day and in the evening filming political documentaries for my YouTube channel. Another day may comprise of protest, actions, events against a certain boycott movement - the activist within is always looking for what some call 'rebellion' but to which I refer to it is as 'civil disobedience'. I remain peaceful unless I am shoved, pushed, prodded, handcuffed, held against my will for something I haven't done or violated as a woman - then authority really pushes my patience; which is then followed by photographing a wedding in the late hours of the evening. I think my life is as crazy as can be.

Your faith is extremely important to you.  How does it help you in your everyday life?

My beautiful faith shrouds me like a hijab covers the beauty of a woman. It is through my faith I have learnt how to deal with difficulties and trials throughout my life (there have been so many). It's centralises me, brings me optimism, shows me the path to action and brings me into a moment of sanity when all else is overshadowed with bleakness. Nothing of my faith was explained to me and I also knew growing up trying to grasp knowledge of my importance in the scheme of things was that I had to understand also what each part of my faith meant to me before practicing it. Everything I do must make logical sense to me before I embrace it and it has been a completely self-taught experience. I see this faith as a gift, every morning I thank the Power above for giving me another day, another opportunity to Thank him for giving me the blessings he has bestowed on me and the abilities He has given me which I utilise daily.  I have to have faith that what I do today will be for the betterment of tomorrow.

What is your view of multiculturalism generally? 

Multiculturalism is beautiful, vivid, colourful (excuse the pun) and the very best ailment for society. How often do we get to hear or see about people's lives across the other side of this crazy planet? When multiculturalism exists at your front doorstep, like it does in my city, I love to learn about other cultures and feel it enriches my life rather than devalues is it as some racist minorities might have you know.

How do you use Social networking sites?

I use social networking sites to be politically involved, keep up to date with other projects happening across the UK and elsewhere. My aim is to reach the right audience effectively and I have an insatiable need to be connected to the happenings across the globe from real news, which is what twitter has become from me. Who needs the mainstream media when you have an eye witness account of someone you know in that particular place tweeting about what is happening. For me personally social networks is beyond just making connections and relationships with other's across the globe, it is far more than that ; it is the way the two individuals planning their ideas together, can campaign and organise to make something a reality. Many have succumbed to utilising tracebook...I mean Facebook and twitter for personal drivel which only feeds into the Big Brother like mentality. Someone said 'Humans are sociable creatures', well I for one refuse to be someone who is conned into thinking that these networking sites make it seemingly social to utilise most of my living hours over. I would rather be enjoying the company of others in real life.

 In your opinion, what is the main benefit of Social Networking?

Twitter especially has provided me with a space to really huff, puff and have steam-out-the-ears moments. It is the only way I can rid of the insurmountable frustration I feel with our governments decisions or lack of. Twitter has become a tool for me that I have become completely besotted with, it gives me the opportunity to express my frustration and anger.

Where do you see Social Networking going?

Recently what has concerned me is the heavy political censorship that Facebook in particular carries out. It has become a white noise, places where you can sink your precious time into and it is not at all about 'connecting' people as Zuckerberg would have you believe, it is after all a business and it will be run like one. The best thing to do is to be completely untruthful about our likes and interests that should bugger up the advertisers completely. But I really hope one day Facebook produces in me in those final, dreary visits.

If we hit the fast forward key and its now 10 years ahead, what would your life look like?

I cannot answer that question because what I imagine my life to look like is different to what God may have planned it out for it to be, therefore I live only looking at the next few minutes and reflecting on my actions constantly wondering how I have spent my life and thankful that I have been given another glorious gloomy Birmingham morning to wake up to.

If you could invite 4 people to a dinner party who would they be? 

I wouldn't have a dinner party, barely any time to (instead I attend other people's dinner party, gosh that sounds awful) and I would instead have a street party where I would invite all the greedy politicians and leaders to have their very own mad hatters tea party in a safe space where the nearest human would be lengths away from them.

Who are the people that you most admire?

I admire any person of a moral conscience who works for us all seeking basic human rights and to live in a better world, just simply that.

Welcome to my Blog!

Welcome to my new blog that I’ve called ‘Social Networking Interviews’. I am a frequent user of Social Networking and have over the years met some truly inspiring and amazing people. More than this, they all have a story.


 So I thought it would be great to approach some of my now good friends and interview them in a Social Networking type of way. The only restriction that I have placed on myself is absolutely no editing of their responses, except for any typos. I want their views and answers to be displayed as they are.


 I am sure there will be times I will not necessarily agree with some of their opinions but I will publish them as it is their voice and not mine. 


So please bookmark this space and come back regularly for some interesting insights.